Nothing's easy
by Lockerz
Summary: Nothing's easy. Sian knows that as she reflects on all that's happened and how her life just isn't the same without Sophie Webster but she never gave her the satisfaction of a goodbye nor the satisfaction to take her back when there's nothing left to say.


**So this i just a one shot I wrote on the day of Sian's departure...sad we know.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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><p>It was never easy after Sian left, for either of them. For days, the only image in Sian's mind while she remained curled up on the sofa at her mum's staring at her dress on the door handle was that image of Sophie's face as she had pounded relentlessly against the window of the car. It's never easy to say goodbye but Sian didn't want to give Sophie the satisfaction of one and to be honest, the brunette hadn't deserved it because Sophie had been a heartless cow in all she'd attempted in her deception.<p>

She covered up every lie with another and how Sian had thought she could go to that registry office and put down her name to be betrothed to that lying, back-stabbing, heartless cow had been beyond her knowledge. Sophie had continued to speak through her teeth the entire day and when it had finally come out, Sian had lost it completely. She _hated _her. She had flamin' hated Sophie and she had never taken the words back. She never wanted to. People say that when you cut yourself you shouldn't cover it and should instead allow it to have air but Sian's wounds didn't want to breathe.

She wanted to hide and cover herself up because to be so exposed would leave her ashamed and open. She had put everything on the line for that girl and had only been repaid with a lover who had had a fling with another. And though Sophie had told her talking to her about Amber didn't matter because it wasn't relevant, who cared? It had been the _lies_. Always the fucking lies! And that bollocks about being _scared_ and _frightened_. Ha! They had been nothing more than pathetic excuses that Sian wished she'd been able to see through because when it really came down to it, Sophie was as easy to read as a book but Sian had been so blinded by her devotion that hadn't seemed to matter to anyone.

And nobody told her. People she thought were her friends. People she could trust! Rosie. Sunita. Even Amber! But then it was clear that perhaps they had tried. Well, Amber at least had tried and from what she'd heard when she'd stood unannounced on the staircase, it had happened ages ago so why the wait? Why do people think time will heal things because it doesn't.

An untreated wound can become infected and then poison things around it and Sophie's stupid, unspoken crush was that wound and Sian was the one who was poisoned. But Sophie's face had been what had nearly made her open that door of that car. She wasn't sure what she would have done if she had and sometimes it hurt to think about it. _Hating someone's too exhausting, _her mum had once said but it didn't seem so hard now but crying was exhausting and Sian had done plenty of that in the weeks that followed as she scrounged through her stuff and found remains of what Sophie had given her.

The top from the first day of college: bin. The shirt from the festival Soph had got her: fuck knows where that was, maybe her mum's cat had adopted it as a pawing blanket. The friendship bracelets they had once shared: broken into hundreds of single beads that had been hoovered up somewhere along the line. Sian could remember the emotion that was almost disappointed from Sophie when she stood at that altar but there had always been that ray of hope that she'd never lost that her girlfriend would be able to pick herself up, dust herself up and push forward like they'd always done over there time together because that was what they did.

Sophie had looked so pathetic as she pleaded but Sian's sympathy had run low and only one thought in her mind had remained: To leave, to bolt, to fucking disappear and never see Sophie again. Yes, she had run before and then reappeared but not this time. She wouldn't let Sophie have the satisfaction of anything Sian may have had left for her and no, Sian didn't lose all love for Sophie that day, it took weeks, months and as she had said _You're the only girl I have ever loved and you're the only girl I will ever love. _

It had been true, unlike the words that had spilled from Sophie's lips half the time, even if she had pleaded that everything she'd said had been trued as she thundered on that window in the car but people move on, don't they? No. In P.S. I love you he sent her letters to help her get over the pain, in television soaps when people lose their lovers they somehow magically manage to move on but it's never that easy. Nothing's easy and love is one of them. Sian hadn't even looked back in that car but had bawled her eyes out because that was all she could do.

All she could feel was that raw emotion of betrayal and a broken heart. Of course, thoughts came to mind that it had all been her fault but truly, had it? _Maybe if you'd have loved my dad a little more then he wouldn't have gone off with Molly, _Sophie had once said. Had Sian not loved Sophie enough or was it the fact that as Sian had been progressing it felt like Sophie was being left behind and trailing? It's not easy to forget and it's no easy to love. It's no easy task to realise what you want in life and even when you're as sure as Sian was that she wanted Sophie, someone will throw a spanner in the works and fuck everything up because that's what life is. Nothing could compare to what went through Sian's head that day.

Not the mixture of sadness, or the anger, or the hope that maybe it would all disappear but we don't always get what we want. Sian Powers learnt that the hard way and she didn't look back on the girl that had broken her heart because what's the point on staring into the past when you have to look into the present but really it's all the same because the past is your present and the present is your future. It's all tied in to each other like a ball of yarn.

_I love you: _three words.  
><em><br>__I hate you_: three words.  
><em><br>__Just three words _all said in the space of a few moments to turn two girl's lives around for the worst.

_Just three years _to build a relationship then smash it to pieces.

_Just two girls _to fall in love, go through hell and then throw it all away over a stupid event.

_Just one mistake _to destroy the foundations of a first love like it was made of glass, leaving two people with the broken shards lodged in their hearts.

_Just nothing left to say._

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><p><strong><em>Thanks for reading, guys. (:<em>**

**_Reviewww? I know we all feel sad D:_**


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